Are you a perfectionist?
Striving to do your best is a good thing, but perfectionism will prevent you from getting organized.
The dark side of perfectionism means you become immobilized in your quest to be perfect. The intention to be perfect keeps you in a cycle where you can never be good enough, so you don’t even start.
You would not believe disorganization that comes from trying to be perfect.
Or maybe you do. A perfectionist might live in a home filled with clutter simply because she doesn’t have time to organize it perfectly. Her tunnel vision to organize the drawer “just so” means that the rest of the space gets ignored, piles up, and fills her with shame.
This is not the way to put the fun in dysfunctional. It is, however, the way that shame monsters take control.
At some point, a person realizes that what is standing between herself and her goals is . . . herself.
Have you ever felt that way? I know I have. Usually, the signs are that I feel frustrated and I hear my inner critic make pronouncements about how deficient I am and how deficient I will always be.
You see, I am a recovering perfectionist.
What that means is for years and years I tried to prove how worthy I was by attempting to do things perfectly. If I noticed I was failing, I’d try to cover up my flaws, redoubling my efforts. For example, if I had to ask for a deadline to be extended, I’d apply myself twenty times harder to the final outcome! I’d dazzle them with how complicated I could make it! They would ask in amazement, “How did you do this?” Meanwhile, I wouldn’t let on how exhausted I was and I hoped they wouldn’t look too closely and shatter the whole illusion.
All that intense effort meant I would burn out, which meant I got behind and then repeat the cycle.
Brene Brown describes perfectionism as the desire to be above reproach. In other words, you try to be so amazing that no one can criticise you. It’s such a sham. The haters gonna hate, as Taylor Swift so aptly reminds us. And you cannot avoid the haters.
Eventually, I realized I was letting the haters control my life.
Would I die of shame if I broke this cycle? I spent so much energy not wanting to test the answer. Eventually, I got brave enough (or, to be honest, tired enough) that I tried different behavior.
Can you guess what I discovered?
Yeah, I was creating the entire, stupid story myself. I was in my own way.
Change is a process. It happens by creating awareness around the messages your inner critic tells you. Then, you take that awareness and ask, “Is this true? Am I really a bad person because I have crusty fries rolling around on the floor of my minivan?” After that step, you remind yourself that cleaning your car isn’t a litmus test for whether you are worthy. You might focus on what you do have to give the world. You might outsource the stuff that drains you. And most of all, you stop letting the shadow of not being perfect to run you life. There is only unhappiness in that effort.
“Exploe” your perfectionism.
Let me delight you with a story of my young teen daughter, who is creative and funny and a joy to be around. She painted this.
Look at the aesthetic value of the background. Think of the work that went into creating it. Her artistic concept was to inspire exploration. As she finished her masterpiece with the word “Explore,” she misestimated the spacing. A letter got left off.
Was it ruined?
What would your reaction be? Would your inner critic pronounce you unworthy? What would you do to try to hide your mistake?
My girl just laughed. It’s not how I would have reacted when I was 13. My upbringing, like so many of you, equated personal value and performance. Fortunately, my daughter knows who she is and she understands this painting doesn’t destroy her lovability. While she wants to succeed, she also knows that her worth is not measured by what she produces. She has inherent value.
Sometimes our teachers come in unexpected places.
Here’s the truth.
The dark side of perfectionism is that you aren’t allowed to make mistakes. And if you aren’t allowed to make mistakes, you freeze up, you don’t learn, and you never feel good enough. You get stuck and stay stuck for a long time. Let’s get you unstuck.
Change is just a few steps away. It’s a mindset shift that will produce organizing systems that you can maintain, energy that goes to self-care instead of hiding mistakes, and knowing that who you are is inherently good.
Let yourself feel good enough. Let yourself “exploe.” You might just realize there’s joy to be found in every moment.
If you are tired of chasing perfectionism, I can help you shift your mindset. Email kate@katevarness.com to set-up your free “exploe-ation” call.
