I know someone who hates receiving gifts, specifically physical objects.
Why? Because she already fights an ongoing battle with clutter and these well-meant gifts from others are more bane than boon.
She gives so much to her community that people long to thank her. They buy a coffee mug, or a clever desk sign, or an inspirational book—you know, the kind with scrolly-font quotes that never gets looked at.
And it’s too much.
She doesn’t want it, yet she feels like she must keep it because it was given with love.
Gift/giver enmeshment
I’m not sure where the idea came from about feeling obligated to keep a gift from someone else. It’s as if the giver and the gift have some magical unseen connection: to disrespect the gift is to dishonor the giver.
Some objects are deeply personal because of their association with a person. Maybe you’ve heard of “hair jewelry” or “mourning jewelry.” This craft reached highest popularity during the mid- to late-1900s, when British Queen Victoria took to wearing jewelry made from the locks of her dearly departed husband, Prince Albert. Read more here: https://4cs.gia.edu/en-us/blog/antique-victorian-era-mourning-jewelry/
While it may seem morbid to wear something made from another person, this practice can be traced back to the Middle Ages and was seen often in Victorian times. You can even find vintage pieces like the one below for sale on Etsy.
Human hair can last hundreds and maybe even thousands of years. Hair jewelry first became popular with fancy settings commissioned by the upper classes, and eventually filtered into DIY kits for the lower classes. It was literally a way to re-member a loved one.
It’s not such a jump to associate a physical gift with the giver.
A cautionary tale of angels
Years ago, I collected angel figurines, which I proudly displayed wherever I lived. People started to notice and pretty soon at birthdays and Christmas they gave me—you guessed it—angels.
Some of the angels were the kind I loved. Others were not. Pretty soon my collection got too large and my enjoyment of it diminished.
How could I communicate that angels were no longer welcome?
First, I boxed up the collection. Then, I told friends that I was no longer collecting angels. Some people didn’t get the memo and I received angel figurines that I added to the storage box.
After a bit of time passed, I was able to get some distance from the gift/giver enmeshment. I gave myself permission to keep only the angels I loved.
I had to say out loud to myself that the person who gave me the angel was kind, but that *I* got to decide what stayed in my home, not them. This felt awkward at first, so I practiced and it got easier.
Cut the strings
Be a person who gives gifts without strings attached. Be someone who knows that you can release any strings attached to gifts.
I had a client who kept an ugly wall hanging in her closet and hung it up when the giver visited.
Believe me, I’m not judging her. We all know people who break the “no-strings attached” gift-giving rule. They’ll ask you where such and such thing is. And that brings up the ‘C’ word.
It’s confrontation. (What were you thinking?) Heaven help us if we can’t avoid confrontation.
What if there was another way? One where you assume that your loved ones who give you things really want what’s best for you? And if they don’t want what’s best for you, then you need to declutter your friends and family.
Imagine the lack of inner confrontation if you could let unwanted gifts go to a charity shop. No more agonizing what to do each time you received a gift that felt like clutter. You would be free to donate it.
In the end, you get to decide what stays in your home. Do a little experimenting with boundary-setting and see if you feel more empowered in your home.
And if you desire support on your journey, or help with boundary-setting, sign up for a complimentary consultation with me: https://schedulewithKateVarness.as.me/strategycall
Until then, may all your hair jewelry be finely set,
Kate Varness, CPO-CD, COC, MA, Green Light Organizing and Coaching
