True or False: the only thing standing between you and an organized house is another person.
If you’ve just shouted, “Yes!” while pumping your fist in the air, this content is for you.
I know how overwhelmed you feel having stuff everywhere all the time.
It’s one thing when the kids mindlessly drop things on the floor–as if some magical clutter fairy comes in the night and tidies the room!
It’s another when the source of the mess is your significant other.
That’s when the parent/child dynamic sneaks in. All of a sudden, you revert to childhood roles: the person who took care of everything or the person who was taken care of by others. You both are pushing the buttons of each other’s childhood wounds.
(Have I reminded you lately that stuff isn’t just about objects? Stuff almost always connects to something deeper.)
The subject of navigating belongings in relationships could fill several books. When one spouse has ADHD, it’s common to see this particular relationship challenge. Check out Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD? by Gina Pera or anything by Melissa Orlov.
Communication and Curiosity
The issue of other people’s stuff gets better with communication and curiosity.
There’s no easy button.
Or sneaking things into the garbage when they aren’t looking.
Yeah, stop doing that. It undermines trust.
What can you do? Try these four approaches and see if it helps.
- Understand that people have differing “stuff styles” for a reason
Some people literally forget that an object exists if it is behind closed doors or in a drawer. These “stuff out” people use the object as a visual reminder to do something.
Others cannot think clearly when there’s too much stuff out. They must have the “stuff away” behind a closed door or drawer. To have it out makes every moment feel chaotic and overwhelming.
The “stuff out” people marry the “stuff away” people and spend their relationship in the following cycle: “The only way to live properly is to have stuff away. If you loved me, you wouldn’t be so careless.” Then, “I try to put it away, but I forget. Stop being so critical. Geez! You’re just like my ___(mom/dad).” Repeat.
What if you each understood that you seek a certain “stuff style” for a reason—either to have clear thinking or to have a visual reminder?
- Find common ground
This conversation can happen when everyone has had enough sleep and food (and probably sex).
It goes like this, “I’ve noticed that a lot of tension happens because of ______ (the kitchen). Have you noticed that too? Would you be willing to talk about how we both would like to do things?”
Then, you each get to write down or talk about how you’d like the space to be and your own experience when it isn’t that way.
For example: “I feel defeated when I walk into the kitchen in the morning and there are dishes in the sink. My whole day is better when the kitchen is tidy.”
Or, “I feel uncomfortable in my own house, as if I can’t even set anything down without getting yelled at. It makes me feel like I’ll never be good enough.”
The idea is to stay out of language that blames (“You always” “You never”) and stick to expressing your need and how it impacts you.
The best common ground conversations will establish what you both agree on, then that becomes a central point of reference: “Remember how we agreed that we’d like to start each day with a clean kitchen? Is that still our goal?”
(Note: If this kind of conversation seems impossible, enlist the help of a marriage counselor.)
- Express genuine curiosity
When you come across items of your significant other’s that seem to be trash-worthy, use the following sentence to start a conversation: “Help me understand . . .”
Your tone of voice matters. No sarcasm or tightness in your voice is allowed.
Instead, expand your mind into genuine curiosity. Imagine your loved one as a bright-eyed nine-year-old and ask, “Help me understand why this rock collection is so important to you?”
I guarantee that if you are listening with love, you will discover important things about your significant other.
Listening with love and curiosity goes much farther than impatience and contempt. It requires something of you that you may or may not be able to give: that is, patience and the possibility that there’s something more to know about the situation.
- Designate personal areas
If countries have borders, why not homes?
Create territories within a house where each of you can have your preferred style without the influence of the other person. And don’t be ridiculous about this.
Growing up, my younger sister and I were in the same room, which included sharing the full-sized bed. After a fight, we drew a line down the middle of the mattress and extended it across the room.
My side had the door. Her side had the window. The bedroom was on the second floor.
Eventually, I conceded that she could exit through the door because that was reasonable.
You are not creating your territories to shame the other person (if you are, see a marriage therapist).
Instead, think of it as having a place where you get to have things just as you want them.
Everyone needs a room of his or her own.
What’s possible?
Where are you now on thinking about other people’s clutter and you? Has this sparked new awareness? Are you open to improving your communication and expressing genuine curiosity? What step will you try first?
The bottom line is that everyone deserves to have his or her needs met in a relationship.
Find ways to express what you need and be open to the underlying needs of others.
You don’t have to navigate this on your own. There are many amazing counselors who can guide the process of better communication and personal growth.
Step into the process of a better life.
At the end of July, I’m hosting a series called “Organize Your Paper.” Each night, I will present short trainings that build on the content of the night before. I’m providing this free resource to you if you sign up. Click the image to register.
