Imagine a five-year-old girl standing in front of a pile of clothing. First, she adds a t-shirt over her spaghetti strap dress. Next, a long-sleeve shirt. Then a button-up sweater followed by a sweatshirt. She adds a windbreaker on top of those; also, a rain jacket. Now she puts on a polar fleece and snow pants and coat and then a parka. How about boots, hat, gloves, and scarf?
The little girl has all but disappeared under the layers. You can tell it’s hard for her to move.
When you ask why she’s wearing all that, she replies, “I’m just following the rules.”
“But isn’t it hot?” you ask.
You see her start to cry and then stop herself.
“Don’t you want to take that off?”
She shakes her head and walks silently away.
Layers
We are not born with an urge to fix ourselves. It is taught to us explicitly through reprimands or through experiences we witness.
We come into the world whole and naturally suited to physical development. In a normal environment, we learn to sit up, crawl, walk, run, talk, feed ourselves, etc.
Social-emotional development is a bit trickier. Young children do not understand that they aren’t the cause of Daddy’s drinking or Mommy’s inability to get off the couch.
The truth is that so many people are walking around emotionally wounded.
None of us wounded adults are the talented actors we try to be.
Children see everything. That’s how they discover that they better suit up.
As we get older, we put on layers that both protect us and restrict us. I call this the “layers of shoulds.”
During each new stage of life, we look for the right thing to do—as an employee, a wife, a mother, a friend. We learn to “adult” and we add more “layers of shoulds.”
Awakening
I’ve noticed a trend among women in their 40s, 50s, and 60s. They wake up to the fact that they’ve been wearing the metaphorical “layers of shoulds” their whole lives and that they are Too. Damn. Uncomfortable.
Usually it is a life event that wakes them up.
- The death of a loved one makes them realize that life is too short to be married to a verbally abusive person.
- Their child’s ADHD diagnosis alerts them to the fact that what they’ve written off as laziness in themselves might actually be a brain-based condition.
- A car accident injury forces them to learn how to ask for help and they realize they could have been asking for help sooner.
As they awaken, they realize that the rules they’ve been following are someone else’s.
- Who taught them not to confront the man calling them horrible names because they are supposed to be “nice girls” who “smooth things over”?
- Whose voice is calling them lazy?
- Who modelled the behavior of never asking for help?
Choices
As they wake up, they begin to shed the layers of other people’s rules.
Layer after layer comes off.
These amazing women in their mid-life and older are full of feelings—anger, regret, fierceness, empowerment, depression, frustration, freedom, hope. The emotions feel strong and raw.
They wonder if it’s normal to feel “these things” at “their age.”
Maybe it’s too late. If only they would have realized they have choices in their 20s and 30s. Why are they only figuring this out now?
Deep inside, that 5-year-old girl is THRILLED. She can move her arms and dance and do all the things her little heart desires.
She knows that it’s never too late to let her spirit shine.
It’s never too late to find her voice, to speak up for her right to be treated well and express her uniqueness and receive all the good things life has to offer.
She deserves them simply because they are her birthright.
How to shed the “layers of shoulds”
It’s never too late to shed the layers and to wake up to the “shoulds” that you have tolerated.
Ask yourself these three questions:
- Where did this “should” come from?
- Does this rule help me or hurt me?
- What alternative best honors my needs?
You are a powerful being.
Allow yourself to take off those layers and create a life that supports your empowerment.
You can be 35 or 75 or 105.
What matters is that you awaken to that beautiful little girl inside you and give her a voice.
P.S. I can coach you around creating new behaviors that support your awakening self. Contact me at Kate@KateVarness.com for more information. Or join my Facebook group, Make Space for Abundance, for my weekly trainings.
