You may gain weight this Thanksgiving (and not from extra calories).
Be prepared with extra room in your suitcase or car this Thanksgiving because I’ve been telling your parents (who are in downsizing mode) that at age 44, you may finally be settled enough to take the stuff they’ve been storing since your childhood.
Yes, that means you’ll get the yellowed macaroni and red yarn necklace you made in second grade.
And you can have the assorted junk from the top drawer of your study desk.
Also, here are your tchotchkes from various family vacations, plus a few bonuses, like perfectly good leather shoelaces for the loafers you no longer own and a popsicle maker that your high schoolers might like to use next summer. (Or probably not.)
“What is happening?” you wonder. You’ve just been served with a downsizing dump, friends. And it’s about damn time.
Tell me, why haven’t you gotten your stuff before now? For years, you’ve been telling your family you “don’t have room” or “it just won’t work to take it now” or “I really don’t want any of that stuff anyway.”
Meanwhile, your folks have been holding it for you, rent-free. This time, they really need to get it out of the house.
Would you like another helping of guilt?
It may seem like you are the only one pressured by guilt. Believe me, there’s enough to go around. Your parents don’t want to make decisions on your stuff and you don’t want to deal with that old stuff that you’ve gotten along without for 20+ years.
Your parents have been raised to not toss things and be wasteful. Their parents lived in a time when goods were less available, were costly, and were made to be repaired. In your lifetime, items can be easily purchased for not much money and they are designed to be replaced.
When they say “I thought you could use this,” what they are not saying out loud is that it’s a conflict for them to throw away “perfectly good” shoelaces, rubber bands, and dollar store popsicle makers. They haven’t necessarily realized they have a choice about their guilt when tossing a usable item. You see, the voices of their parents yelling at them to “waste not, want not!” still ring in their heads. They may not rinse out ziploc bags, but whoa unto him who tosses the paper clips.
Instead, they give it to you to decide. That’s appropriate for items that belong to you, and not so much for the things that belong to them.
How can you handle the downsizing dump?
The situation gets tricky when it involves the parents’ items that they cannot decide to donate or discard because of these instinctive, mixed emotions. That’s why you end up standing in the foyer holding a box with a half-full container of yellow stir sticks, Thanksgiving-themed paper plates from 1983, a set of crystal brandy snifters, the candy dish they got in Holland, a poncho that smells of stale rubber, a stack of partially used notebooks, a Hard Rock café Hurricane glass, and other trinkets that put the miss in miscellaneous.
Who am I to say you won’t use these things? Maybe you are planning a retro Thanksgiving cocktail party.
My point here is, don’t assume you have to keep them forever just because they were given to you by someone you love. That loving person may unknowingly be using you as his or her way to avoid the feelings that come from throwing away somewhat stale, but still possibly usable, yellow stir sticks purchased for the company party of 1972.
Let me say loud and clear that you get to decide.
Ways to honor all involved.
It doesn’t have to be a guilt-fest. There are a few things you can do to ease the process.
- If you can graciously take the box and keep what you want, donate what you can, and discard or recycle the rest, please do that. You may even be able to do this before you leave after Thanksgiving. Think of it as your calorie burner for the afternoon.
- Listen to some of the stories your parents are trying to tell you. They are sharing parts of their lives that are important to them. Let them know that what’s most important is that they have gotten their enjoyment from the item. Encourage them to journal about the items and let them pass to someone who will enjoy them next.
- Donate usable items to a resale shop like Goodwill, Salvation Army, or Habitat for Humanity. Drop the boxes off at the easy access drive ups, then go for ice cream.
- If you sense that your loved one would rather save the item than have you discard it, leave it behind. Do not accept gifts with strings attached of what you must do with it.
- Let them know that just as they are in transition, so are you. You are all looking to balance how much stuff you have to manage. Find out what ways you can support each other in this goal.
In the end, most people just want their lives to be seen and acknowledged. We buy souvenirs to mark a special trip. Graduation tassels represent benchmarks. Things represent the days of our lives (cue dramatic music). Give space to the meaning behind the things.
Ultimately, what one person feels drawn to keep will be different from what another wants to do. There is room for everyone’s preferences, especially when the situation is approached with curiosity and kindness.
I wish you a wonderful Thanksgiving, filled with great conversation and maybe a few items from the past that make you smile.
Kate Varness, CPO-CD, COC, MA, Green Light Organizing and Coaching
P.S. Get your copy of Kate’s book, Who Am I Now? Realign Your Home and Life on Amazon.
